Satellite

Numerous times I have written about life and death. It is a subject that I never tire of.

A Satellite is defined as:

[n.] a man-made object that orbits around the earth
[n.] a person who follows or serves another
[n.] any celestial body orbiting around a planet or star
[adj.] Surrounding and dominated by a central authority or power

This poem is about all of these.

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How it is I have eyes, I do not know
there is no body to me
but I cry tears
I feel pain
and there is a love inside of me
that hurts so much
and I cannot end it

It has come to me, that maybe I am dead
but I am still - here

I remember my past, what I was before I was here
the leaves whisper along the sidewalk
perfectly trimmed
the trees creek and groan
and there at my door I knock
and nobody answers

I am not what I was before
I cannot go there

What I remember can’t be remembered
not as I remembered it
not as it actually was

I struggle with these eyes that are not eyes
closed

and then, I stop
I stop struggling
there is no purpose to it
for the first time in my life I let go
and I feel release

but as long as it was there, this feeling!
In a fraction of second it, too, was gone

Something now! It tugs at me
my foot, my arms, my hair
my self!!!
ripped from this place
my flesh that is not flesh
my body that is not body
my mind that is becoming overrun
becoming more and more and more and more
like snakes in water they defile
and I can do nothing, nothing but watch in terror
as I am

defiled.

I float again, wounded and wild with anger and fear
where am I?
Why am I still here?
“Fuck this place!”
my feelings explode

But I am moving, spinning
no longer held
no longer staring into the sun
I reach out to stop
and I stop
not like I’ve stopped before
it is if time stopped, movement stopped
and I froze there.

Far ahead I see nebula's, galaxies
a kaleidoscope of light

I reach for them too

and
I
am
there, there, there, there, there, there
free

How it is that I am free
and from what I do not know
but over the millennia
I realize
the
ANSWER

What I was escaping was life
who I was fighting
was
ME

The love I felt was for everything I LOVED
You see, I had died
and now I was, for all I could figure, a SOUL
a free soul
and everything here was mine to see
mine to visit

But I never, not once met another
no one to answer questions for me

I come back and stare at the sun often
where in a sense, I was born
I come to ask
she does not answer
I did not expect it to

Purpose, meaning, too much
but I search
I see
I watch
I learn
and maybe I will never know
but I know this
“What is here, is here
What I have is mine
No future can curse that
there is no ahead or behind
only now.”
In the distance, a point of light
a streak across the sky
I reach for it
and I am
THERE at peace
a Satellite

and over time, I realize
I am so much more than that